maybe fuck myself.

I thought I could.
I know it's bigger than all of this.
It's the now that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I'm always waiting.
And when it comes, it's never what I'd hoped it to be.

pitter pattter

It's raining...
memories of playing in the park as a kid,
running, jumping in puddles,
or riding my bicycle and splashing about
 in the waterlogged grass.

the smell of the air right before it poured,
and the excitement and anticipation of the first few drops...
the reckless abandon, and carefree spirit,
I've always seemed to be... still am.

I love it when it rains.

post-titled

The moment when you feel like calling her so badly,
just to hear the familiar sound of her voice,
and you can hear her smoke her cigarette,
and picture every step, every detail,
her favorite lamp, the fan humming in the background,
the sound of traffic...
from the moment she takes a puff and how she exhales,
and every mannerism which you find both mildly amusing
and are enamored by.

That moment is now, and it's fleeting, and passing,
and it'll be gone soon,
and I can't do anything... but smile;
That I had precious, previous moments, with her.

Good night.

ain't it the life

I'm generally happy,
how things are turning up
and that there is a brighter side
to life than I thought..
It's been a wonderful year.
I've had many lows and many more highs.
My debts are finally turning into a memory
I never wanna remember.

Of love, well love is always there.
I've had a good year and a half or so sharing mine,
with someone, and she the same, and even more so than
I think I ever deserved.
It didn't work out,
maybe it was too soon, maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe we deserve another chance in the future,
maybe.

Maybe has been good.

I can't hide my sadness, and it has clearly affected me immensely,
yet I'm happy in a strange sort of way.

You know how people join a monastery or priesthood,
to ease their troubled souls, to find a sense of meaning once more,
and years later come out, integrate themselves back into society,
feeling some sense of enlightenment,
and inner peace;
It feels like that, although
I've many more demons inside me to
vanquish.
And my monastery, my priesthood, this so called
period of finding myself, seeking clarity and a new perspective
 is a hard battle.