maybe fuck myself.

I thought I could.
I know it's bigger than all of this.
It's the now that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I'm always waiting.
And when it comes, it's never what I'd hoped it to be.

post-titled

The moment when you feel like calling her so badly,
just to hear the familiar sound of her voice,
and you can hear her smoke her cigarette,
and picture every step, every detail,
her favorite lamp, the fan humming in the background,
the sound of traffic...
from the moment she takes a puff and how she exhales,
and every mannerism which you find both mildly amusing
and are enamored by.

That moment is now, and it's fleeting, and passing,
and it'll be gone soon,
and I can't do anything... but smile;
That I had precious, previous moments, with her.

Good night.

ain't it the life

I'm generally happy,
how things are turning up
and that there is a brighter side
to life than I thought..
It's been a wonderful year.
I've had many lows and many more highs.
My debts are finally turning into a memory
I never wanna remember.

Of love, well love is always there.
I've had a good year and a half or so sharing mine,
with someone, and she the same, and even more so than
I think I ever deserved.
It didn't work out,
maybe it was too soon, maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe we deserve another chance in the future,
maybe.

Maybe has been good.

I can't hide my sadness, and it has clearly affected me immensely,
yet I'm happy in a strange sort of way.

You know how people join a monastery or priesthood,
to ease their troubled souls, to find a sense of meaning once more,
and years later come out, integrate themselves back into society,
feeling some sense of enlightenment,
and inner peace;
It feels like that, although
I've many more demons inside me to
vanquish.
And my monastery, my priesthood, this so called
period of finding myself, seeking clarity and a new perspective
 is a hard battle.

obliviousity

Sometimes I don't have a clue,
or simply lose myself in being
completely oblivious.

What's real is us,
hanging by a thread.

layhill

My thoughts turn to her still.

Inexplicable how touch, smell,

sight and sound connect the dots back,

every thought, externally influenced,

point her way.

...still I mess it up,

an already overflowing mixen

of disappointment and crushed hopes,

enveloping this existence in a shroud of

uncertainty, further condemning ourselves

to a future, one without the other.

watchaperiodseriesforhoursonend&yourdictionbedicky

Mind is reduced to mulch

and sleepless eyes gaze back,

absent, empty, dull,

the light has gone from pupils

once adorned by light now faded.

I lament not, such thoughts have no room this hour.

A mere salutation to wandering eyes

that chance their sights in like direction.

Salutations all around.

Today, this fifth day,

I would to make merry

and partake of drink,

and wine, women for sport;

such is the world, but I decline,

not out of loathe or disdain, but

by default and lack of choice, for the now

does not permit.

Nor would I take into mine arms for mere leisure alone.

this heart beats but for one.

silly words, perhaps.

silly words.

volaticus

So I wanna write a new chapter.
There's more to look forward to, hereafter.
Don't want it to be the same old same same old,
like today, it ain't gold,
2nd week of the 2nd month,
a day before the 2nd day.
happy hearts, chocolates, smores, chocolate smores.

Envision, on a mission, to find some sort of consistency,
new vocabulary, a new word, a day, something new to say,
word play.

plus one, you're on my list,
top of, no less,
no more mess,
on top of me, or me behind,
I'd be glad to just spend time,
long strolls, breathless, walks,
hop on puddles, make funny faces,
cook a meal.

happy happy happy,
it's all anybody ever needs and deserves,
no soap opera drama nonsense,
Switch the channel if we could.

Things are looking up for me.
I wanna see the same, for you.

Love, love, love, love.
happy hearts. happy hearts.