maybe fuck myself.

I thought I could.
I know it's bigger than all of this.
It's the now that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I'm always waiting.
And when it comes, it's never what I'd hoped it to be.

pitter pattter

It's raining...
memories of playing in the park as a kid,
running, jumping in puddles,
or riding my bicycle and splashing about
 in the waterlogged grass.

the smell of the air right before it poured,
and the excitement and anticipation of the first few drops...
the reckless abandon, and carefree spirit,
I've always seemed to be... still am.

I love it when it rains.

post-titled

The moment when you feel like calling her so badly,
just to hear the familiar sound of her voice,
and you can hear her smoke her cigarette,
and picture every step, every detail,
her favorite lamp, the fan humming in the background,
the sound of traffic...
from the moment she takes a puff and how she exhales,
and every mannerism which you find both mildly amusing
and are enamored by.

That moment is now, and it's fleeting, and passing,
and it'll be gone soon,
and I can't do anything... but smile;
That I had precious, previous moments, with her.

Good night.

ain't it the life

I'm generally happy,
how things are turning up
and that there is a brighter side
to life than I thought..
It's been a wonderful year.
I've had many lows and many more highs.
My debts are finally turning into a memory
I never wanna remember.

Of love, well love is always there.
I've had a good year and a half or so sharing mine,
with someone, and she the same, and even more so than
I think I ever deserved.
It didn't work out,
maybe it was too soon, maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe we deserve another chance in the future,
maybe.

Maybe has been good.

I can't hide my sadness, and it has clearly affected me immensely,
yet I'm happy in a strange sort of way.

You know how people join a monastery or priesthood,
to ease their troubled souls, to find a sense of meaning once more,
and years later come out, integrate themselves back into society,
feeling some sense of enlightenment,
and inner peace;
It feels like that, although
I've many more demons inside me to
vanquish.
And my monastery, my priesthood, this so called
period of finding myself, seeking clarity and a new perspective
 is a hard battle.

bear back

Live.

it's all you've got left.

slumber

and I pray my love
to angels above
as you sleep this
night till dawn's early light,
for peace and smiles,
and warmth for miles,
from me to you and
yours to mine,

I'll sing a song
and before long,
asleep, your head
on my chest...
and if time would stop,
this moment I'll keep.

to hold you
tor a minute more...

i N u

I love how you see
the good things behind this broken shell
and how you keep telling me
it'll be alright
when I keep saying it isn't and it is,
most times, but you make me strong,
so I can make you strong,
and you push and prod me along,
I do the same,
and we stumble and trip
as we tread along the tracks,
not knowing where it is we're going.
And I love that we know what we want
and what to do and still fumble about it
and we fall and we fall
and we pick ourselves up
but there's still a mess
and you're here and that's good,
I wouldn't change that if I could,
the you being here part,
but the mess oh in a heartbeat I would.
I love...

obliviousity

Sometimes I don't have a clue,
or simply lose myself in being
completely oblivious.

What's real is us,
hanging by a thread.

dec 31 1991

in(time)ate

it's always the case
just when it seems all ace,
i'm out of the race, it seems...
no pit stops, only mangled bits of an old worn stock car.

I'm driving out;
in your direction.
Pull me over...

outofmylife

see you later love.

nibbled

lunch. me+you and then some. 

and some more. and more...

1245

gappling minigun looking thru them barrels
can't see no sun, this used to be fun,
teetering on the thrill, living on edge.
Where's it all gone now, where's it all gone,
down through that rabbit hole,
like foot through royal ass,
endless maze of shit and piss,
I think I'd barely miss,
oh Alice, how would you fare?
If you be here and I there,
I fear the insanity of reality
a tad too hard to bare.
Running along now, running along.
On the same side of road,
on the same side of road
on the same fucking side.
Of road.

Been singing the same old tune
and I want it to change,
like nailing myself to the cross all over again
and wrestling myself free to nail my hands in all over
again, and the wound doesn't heal no it doesn't,
it just gets bigger and gangrenous,
bits of skin and bone,
and she's still here, though miles away than
I'd like, and yet she still is here.
for now.

layhill

My thoughts turn to her still.

Inexplicable how touch, smell,

sight and sound connect the dots back,

every thought, externally influenced,

point her way.

...still I mess it up,

an already overflowing mixen

of disappointment and crushed hopes,

enveloping this existence in a shroud of

uncertainty, further condemning ourselves

to a future, one without the other.

watchaperiodseriesforhoursonend&yourdictionbedicky

Mind is reduced to mulch

and sleepless eyes gaze back,

absent, empty, dull,

the light has gone from pupils

once adorned by light now faded.

I lament not, such thoughts have no room this hour.

A mere salutation to wandering eyes

that chance their sights in like direction.

Salutations all around.

Today, this fifth day,

I would to make merry

and partake of drink,

and wine, women for sport;

such is the world, but I decline,

not out of loathe or disdain, but

by default and lack of choice, for the now

does not permit.

Nor would I take into mine arms for mere leisure alone.

this heart beats but for one.

silly words, perhaps.

silly words.

run fumble hard gamble now ramble

keep not a penny
for libationary exploits,
it would do you in.
livers and workhorses
can last and outrun for only so far.

If troubles could be drunk away...
Mine are deep.
aye ocean deep.

despite this plight,
a faint fuzzy light...
glows.

volaticus

So I wanna write a new chapter.
There's more to look forward to, hereafter.
Don't want it to be the same old same same old,
like today, it ain't gold,
2nd week of the 2nd month,
a day before the 2nd day.
happy hearts, chocolates, smores, chocolate smores.

Envision, on a mission, to find some sort of consistency,
new vocabulary, a new word, a day, something new to say,
word play.

plus one, you're on my list,
top of, no less,
no more mess,
on top of me, or me behind,
I'd be glad to just spend time,
long strolls, breathless, walks,
hop on puddles, make funny faces,
cook a meal.

happy happy happy,
it's all anybody ever needs and deserves,
no soap opera drama nonsense,
Switch the channel if we could.

Things are looking up for me.
I wanna see the same, for you.

Love, love, love, love.
happy hearts. happy hearts.

fourwallsred

home.
where exactly is that?
It's where the warmest and most fuzziest
of sensations make themselves known
in ways so profoundly overwhelming,
only biblical events could eclipse them ten-fold.

I want to have that.
That sense of home.
I feel the longing in the damaged pits of my
once ethanol charged gut.
The longing of simplicity and love.
Of love.

The image sold so shamelessly, and affordably accessible,
recycled paper printed, on greeting cards and
technicolored after-effects saturated tv and sappy romantic movies
and yellowing romance novels with the
classic guy and gal posing exaggeratively embracing
in sensual eye-lock;
The happy couple, and their manicured gardens, and
their 9 to 5 lives, and after dinner tv, and adventures under the sheets
only to be interrupted by the baby monitor.
Doesn't seem like a bad deal, really.

I'd like that.
Can I see that with you?
I'd like to.

Cheesy as it sounds,
I'd want to have anything a glimpse, a glimmer,
a peephole view, hidden cameras, heat sensitive monitors.
anything that would hint of a future.

I've always been afraid to see that picture.
You know, moving on in life together.
Wasn't the punk rock thing to do.
But even the punk rockers have kids and a family.
and better dental even.
better fucking dental, who'd have thought.

One thing rings true, and I'd like it to change.
For the better, for good.
I'm starting now.

I'm right at home with you...

Feb 9, 2011 11:33:17 PM

sentiments...
it's never easy.
...never fucking is.

I'll see you maybe probably possibly soon maybe somehow

goodbyes.
for a while.
Too many if-only's.