sakuma dropped.

used to have a thing for a word or two.
still do.
like computer geeks have a fascination with the latest
hardware, software, cable, game, lo tech hi tech
multiple, decimal, fraction that tickles their binary one zero one zero one track digitalesque
hand cream smelling high iq'd mind.

All I have is the dim lit comfort of your quarters.
We'd love to wake up to each other everyday like we do.

kringles

I'm in a good place with you.
Now.
Every ounce of lost sleep,
 to be, deep, in and with each other.

I'd have it no other way,  to spend a day, two nights,
3 weeks...
Smiles for miles, it's been while.

thinkin

Just to know she's out there, thinking of you...
She'd give up everything just.

You.
I miss.
Many days and nights, spent without.
I wanna shout out,
let it all out.
With you.

Beacon

my dearest, if you could go all looney tunes on me,
You would, and with the anvils and bombs and rockets
Raining acme hellfire on my ass,
It would make for an awesome spectacle,
on top of the fact that you're giving me
the royal smackdown.
Such is the capacity my tendency to cause a reaction
of that magnitude is to you when I piss you off.

I don't know what I'd do without you...

She makes me feel like somebody,
someone real.
A feeling I've not been oftenly blessed with,
She tells me everything will be alright
Despite the reality that for the moment,
they aren't.

I look forward to the rain more often now.
the November rains are paving the way for cool
Clear Christmas nights.
I can't wait.

want

Seriously,
In all seriousness,
I can't not care less
______ .
a day and a half non stop
I think of you.
I do.

Balderdash

Every mistake,
Learnt, burnt.
Was and have never been
Nor will ever be.
probably most likely not.
what I'm supposed to be.

I've made you not want to talk to me.
11:11.
Now.

Seriously

Miss you. Full stop.

boy

Held you.
felt you, there.
beside.
I'll take it all in stride,
and I can't let this slide.
I want more, but a trickle is all I can afford of you.
For now.

You remind me of how things are supposed to and should be.
How it all could be.
It's up to me.
Now.
Do I want you, us, as bad as you do?

an adventure, under a thin cover,
a starless, moonless night.
the wind grew cold and the night got old,
but we had each other, and it's all that mattered.

Two roller-coaster worthy days,
my mind will never erase.

we let down our guard;
you broke down my walls.
tears flowed freely,
I felt and acknowledged
what was deep within...
 inside of us both.

I miss your hand in mine.

Miles from a smile

I'm back, but I feel like I'm elsewhere.
Distant, faraway.

hart

I'll be back in one piece.
Or I'll be back, at least.
X days away,
Don't worry love, I won't go astray.

You still linger about my senses,
in my head, on my skin;
And its gonna stay,
like me, in and around;
and about, you.

Spent a day,
we shared the bed,
on clear heads, not a drop of booze,
barely a snooze...

I bid you goodnight
and dearest, sleep tight.
I'll be on my way,
in more than a day,
but I'll come back to you
We'll have a smoke,
share a joke,
make a meal.
under hazy skies, who gives a fuck,
about the weather, make it rain Lord,
that'll be better.

night, love.

Night

3:33.
2 minutes back.
beside me...
Where you wanna be.
Here. Now.
kiss you goodnight.
Pretty.

paints

Waking moments shared under the covers.
down, out and about and out of sorts,
I pick myself up still, peer outside my window sill,
The haze masks the warmth I feel.
Now, and you're snoozing away.
a peaceful smile painted on your face.
So ideal, let's wish it real.
free, is all we really want to be.
And there's yet so much to fix,
so much.
The path is clear,
let's walk it my dear.
should we meet in the end?
Can't say. But a path is laid.

waking mornings.
Next to you.

hot flame

I'll write about how at this juncture
we are teetering about at the crossroads
Playing with fire,
as the flames dance
a deadly dance on our palms
Our fingers;
a memory lingers.

My final conscious thoughts
Form images,
The both of us;
Before I succumb to the night and
an empty bed.

I'll write about life
And strife and unused
Underutilized chance after chance
and gloriously blowing each one to hell
one after the other.

I thought I had all the answers,
and it's all there, laid out for me
on a Fucking silver platter,
Raw and bare, all there.
Spurned.

I fell I'm slipping back into what was
once normality but what's now become a liability

I won't let that happen.
Everything to lose is the name of the game.

I won't stay away and I'll learn to right the wrongs
the hiccups that fuck up our day.

All i've got isn't much.
would be nice to share a glass, a meal an evening...
A moment.
With someone, somebody...
You?
Maybe.

I need to fix me.
Commencement--
ETA now.

shoot skeet

Choice, decisions, alternatives.
We're free to be
And I'd be with you.
Put on your running shoes baby,
it's the marathon we're after.

more than words could ever fulfill
my hands will.. Given a chance.
and it's hard and gets harder still.

I miss your voice in my ear,
your arms enveloping me in your caress
as long heated nights await and pass,
As we share a glass, or two,
catch that show, go for that stroll
Share stories, bedside...
No limits, no need to hide.
I've some sorting out to do
before we can be two.
I'm just a Juan.
damn pun.

But your hands,
fill a gap in mine.
Fits just fine.
And maybe that's a clue.

I'm missing alot of things
I've gotten much accustomed to,
and it's all of you.

Your hair to the soft
supple touch of your skin.
just does me in.
completely.
every inch.

If our lives were a book,
I'd wanna flip to the end,
But I might miss out on a really good read.

so, good friend,
Wait awaits at the end.
Of all this...

Physical

Meet-you-rendezvous'...
Thought I'd lost you.
longing for some side by side banter
Table top or otherwise doesn't matter.
Whatever the weather,
if it rains, even better.
I miss the word play.
I'd miss a day without the sound of your voice
Miss scratchy...
keep that smile on
'cause I wanna give you
more reason to.

Flyd Mywhether

she wants to please
and she can't leave, it all.
Can't have it all.
Yet.
I do agree it would be hard if it were me.

but she's stronger
than she gives herself credit for;
this I admire, when it comes to the wire...
a week or more I've missed,
pictures of her,
a blur,
still linger...
morning mist

I miss her.
I do.

equate

It's much more simple, now, really.
To hear your voice,
your just woken up soft, scratchy, out-of-bed tone
just does me in.
Completely.

I can talk about your lips,
your hair,
how you bite your nails,
and your aversion to vegetables and your many, many, many
more endearing quirks.
I can go all day.

I strive to be, unbroken;
And so should you.
And you're halfway there.

Right now, this very instant,
though it pains me that you're not here,
fret not dear,
I'd be apart from you, a month, a year or two,
But to lose you for good, would never do.
No no no never do at all.

Who am I to say,
let the stars and fates have their way,
And we'll take it in stride,
Strap in for the ride.
I'm in.
I'll see you at the end.
Whatever end it may be,
We'll always have you and me.

Sellf

Aspire to inspire
This fire rekindled;
A flame, desire...
left a stone unturned, here I lay, burned.
Chances spurned but without lack of hope.
Grab on hang on, tight, this rope.
Come the wave, lest it break in its wake.

sidetrack:
I've been thinking,
and I fear...
That which I hold, ever dear,
Would cost more than a tear,
But at what price?
a chance or non at all.
should I choose to fall
Again and again
And eat dust off the trail
or blaze one of my own
and carve and hone
a name, a life,
one with no strife...
till you come along,
again, once more, perhaps never,
we can't be sure.
for the fates seem to rule
and have their way they shall.
But it's not too late for me to dictate,
the path I must take.
I wish it were you and glad t'were it true.
what could be,
Let's not misconstrue...
what should be,
time. A clue.
we can't know yet
I reckon,
were you the one
T'Would be so much fun.

I digress...
I'll fix me.
You'll fix you..
and maybe just maybe, there might just be a clue
a hint.
I starve for a glint, cos I'm skint
as the word can allow.
and I'll fix me.
Eventually.
and maybe, just maybe...
I don't know.
I really don't.
I may need to find me a new way to smile.
just for a while.
the clouds are rolling in...

40proof

I'd walk miles.
Your scent
Your smile
Lines lines lines
Distilled spirits,
Nicoteine sticks
Salad dips dirty chicks,
Eyes on you
Just you...
Tonight
Tomorrow
Whenever
Wherever.
Now, later,
soon, soon, soonest?
now?
quandary... Me and you?

Do

Skin met skin.
Tonight.
I saw a smile;
not a glimpse not a hint,
of the opposite.
your scent lingers,
We keep each other warm,
How can we do each other any more harm?
extreme highs between your thighs
But it don't matter,
I'd settle for table top banter,
A ciggarette or two,
a sip of bubbly, as long as it's you...
snoozing gently, beside me.
I see you.
Enter part two.

link

She makes me wanna do so much more.
Seems like I have you, now...
But I want you for longer, somehow.

Words have been hard to come by lately,
distractions, detractions and what-nots

I want what everybody wants but not everyone can attain.
I can't lose because there's so much more to gain.

There's too much to say and plenty to do.
Amidst all of that, I still miss you.
It's true.

Place

How'd we get to here?
funny how it plays out huh.
but here is good,
Wouldn't trade it for anything else,
the sound of your breathing
Your chest heaving, gently
and I steal a glance or two at you..
How'd we get to here..
For what it's worth,
I'm glad we did.

where to

Sometimes she catches me in the most awkward of moments,
And she laughs.
I like when she laughs.
And when she smiles...
It's the little things,I guess...
Though it all doesn't go to plan,
she seems to understand.

A dwarf of a man,
I wanna walk in bigger shoes,
and I don't wanna have to lose,
her, us.

I'll see you tonight,
have a glass or two,
rest your head on mine
as we unwind,
table for two,
me and you.

Can't let you go.
Barely had you, in my arms...
Rest your head on my chest,
Wanna look you in the eye,
catch that glimmer of hope;
what a spark it could muster
when it all feels so dark.
I wanna walk this two way street
Back and forth from mine and yours..
we almost let go, and I'll have you know,
I can't say the words.. No.
the road looks rough,
Sturdy shoes and a steady walk might do the trick.
I want your hand.
Need your hand.
We wonder if we could do without
And I'm sure as hell there are doubts.
walk with me though.
I'll paint smiles on your face and keep them ever there

Is this or is this

seems to be the case,
this phase,
darling, I can't erase
thoughts, pictures...
How much more you can endure
I don't wanna drag any more
Are we done when we haven't even begun?
I told you I wouldn't give up
Or give in,
I miss the touch of your skin
And how you get cold so easily
like your clothes are always too thin;
Buy they're not;
And how you look straight into me
trying to figure out how I tick,
and how you always get sick but not anymore;
and my cogs and sprockets may be broken and rusted
And I've got holes in my pockets;
And that I need new pants,
but you seem to understand,
Or try your most bestest,
and I feel it.
When I hold your hand.
And how you run your fingers in my hair...
And it sucks when I'm not there,
Physically.
Words can do so much,
But it's so much better when there's
touch.

If it's for the best,
Then this is a test.
That such obstacles should befall,
mere walls is all...
I'm not giving up nor giving in.
On me.
On you.
so....
now what do we do?

time. Why you punish me. Will you be here tomorrow?

I can't.
Can I, should I, would I, will I
actualize, realize, theorize
This, you, me, us, we, thing...

could we, must we, should we, can we at all?
see the blips, rise, fall,
our downfall?
Measure the pressure, this tenure, simple leisure?
And pleasure?
Or more? Something in store...

maybe it is, maybe it isn't...
No better time to find out than the present.

I found.
you.

It becomes clearer..
Crystal...
When our eyes meet,
I just know
that this ain't no show.
it's a wonder sometimes
I ask myself how this played out
And all I can decipher and comprehend
Is that you're here.
Now.
And the story unravels,
with bated breath,
excited and anxious..
if it'll be, finally...
It feels right,
This tough tough fight,
Time and miles apart...
I guess it's like that at the start.
I miss you even when you're right here,
next to me...
Kiss, touch, exchange words and a funny story.
Yes, yes...
I like you very much,thanks.
Very very very much...

Z

I'm falling, and this is one fall
I don't wanna get up from.
We're a long way from where we wanna be;

I wanna warm your bed, dearest.
Kiss your head while you're asleep.
Lazy afternoons and rainy days
We'll find means, ways,
To get by... Today...

light

Just when I thought the clouds had their way...
A sliver of light shone through,
It was you.
You make me wanna be,
Better.
Stripped bare,
This is me,
just me, and you take
what you can,
And I wanna give more,
And you can see an end,
a beginning, just for two
Smile,
I can smile..
And I do when I hear you,
Your eyes barely open,
Words barely spoken in that tiny
squeaky voice that you do,
And it makes me want you...
Ever more.

pillar

if only you could see
what it's like to be me.
I want us to be...
you and me.
Baby,
I've no reason
save for one...
And this ain't just for fun.
I gave up on love,
on self, on hope...
don't give me a reason to give up again.
I miss the warmth, the taste, the feel.
I've reason to breathe, to live to weave,
a life, to share with you and me...
don't let me go and I'll have you know,
the proof I'll prove I'm for real and it's not a show.
Baby...
I didn't mean I'd ever let go when I said take it slow.
Allow me this space
and I'll run this race,
with you,
I'll keep pace.
Just please don't let go.
Of me.
Of us.
Because I won't.

dry.

lips meet,

as i bask in your scent,

clock ticks,

there's no time,

there never is... enough.

It's what I can't get;

enough of you.

Never thought I'd let go

and let loose,

this tight noose

constricted, restrictions

are vacant and void.

when it comes to you

all I see, is true.

Baby.

It's you.

Geography.

our least favorite subject...

two

a couple days, and equal nights,

nothing but you in my sight. 

stole a gaze at your sleeping face;

pretty thoughts I can't erase,

from my mind ,

the tape's on replay,

but we're moving ahead. 

daylight baby.

You and me. 

areasonforreasoni'llsaythistoyou

dearest.
i miss you most.
Don't let them scare you
he said,
I'll say the same.

finish line:
your hand in mine...

calamine.

like a mild rash
I just want to scratch you off.
The more I do, the more it spreads.

I've accepted the fact there is no more room for me
within these walls.
That you built with your own blood and sweat.
I will bleed my own and sweat my own
and cry my own.
You'll see.
And all you're waiting for is to see me fall;
Ridicule my plight and seemingly meaningless fight.

Stood in your shadow far too long,
no more will I be always wrong.
In your eyes.
No more.

5:57

if you could, would you?

iwantthissobadsoimustandifidontiwillbustcombustandrustonmyowndethrone

an open letter to make it better,

I can only look ahead,

no games, 

all cards laid bare.

all in...

I'm here.

lines dos

07:43... I miss you already.

I've a reason to smile.

Smile with me?

No more confusion, illusions, delusion, reclusion,

from what is possible, probable, true.
There, I've said it, I'll say it again...
I will run. With you.
What's begun and what's been done;
It's seems at first a big blur, but what's clear...now...
Is her.
And so ends this scene,
till once more we convene.
we know not when... 
but convene we shall.
I've still a reason to smile.
It may yet last for a little while...

lines.

I can afford a smile
It's free but it ain't cheap.
Saw the light in your eyes,
a sliver, a glimpse...
felt your hand in mine,
warmth as our digits entwine;
I counted days and hours and minutes,
But, this time, now... I can afford a smile.
It's gonna stay on for awhile.

half empty half full

i think it all boils down to...
the lack of you.
and it's all my fault.

define

meaning.
it's what we live to find.
Do we ever, though?

bailiff

spare the nitty gritty
I'll sing you a ditty,
for your kitty;
Getting kinda freaky,
Rapid eye kinda woke me.
Leave it on a platter
till you hear it make a splatter
and the gunk like a skunk fills
your trunk with a clunk
and you sniff and a-whiff
scares you stiff.

arctic monk, he

Leave me seething,
gritting,grinding
brightly blinding,
openminding closely finding,
empty spaces,multi races,
places faces, aches and aces,
wish you'd see me,
lie completely,
kind and sweetly,
die a beattie,
no, not warren,
like on tv.
Short and happy
never lonely,
soap and sand
(...in the hour glass)
whisper to me
soft and slowly,
(...so are the days of our lives)
I still do think he...
like so many...
incomplete me.